I found you in some of the out-of-focus pictures
from a couple of years ago.
In a way, I’m glad I never said
I loved you.
I let you fly by in film strips;
ghosts in the negatives –
all blurry and dreamlike,
like your watery fingerprints on these
photostrips, like the cloudy sky-waves of
late summer fog in the background.
We were slumped figures following high-tension wires,
darkened acquaintances swimming between
the peaces of nirvana and apathy.
I imagine if we had happened,
my life would be like
flying through a cloud –
dust, destiny, and
Pointlessness.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
The first stanza really caught my attention--other than that, the poem did not do anything at all. As usual, it had amazing rhythm, metaphores, imagery... but other than that... nothing really made me say "wow". What did you want this poem to be? I tried to find something that explains the anecdotes, but nothing really helped.
Overall, this was one of those excellent works, but considered all your other poems, this was pretty bad.
xanthan_gum--
Your ideas are working to provoke an emotion, but they're ultimately gutted and choked by the overmodification that flocks to your stanza's shores. Lines like "I let you fly by in filmstrips; / ghosts in the negative," work towards creating the haunting effect of ephemeral connection. Followed by the off-kilter and weighty "like the cloudy-sky waves of / late summer fog," however, only serves to nail this to its cross.
S1 can probably be cut entirely without loss of generality, though you might work to spare that last thought.
Best,
Brad
And another thing:
I find it strange that the word "strips" appears twice in one five-line segment. I know that you didn't want to say "film strips" or "negatives" twice, but "photostrips" is still too similar.
-Colleen
I do agree -- "Imprint on my soul" -- you can write better.
I also think ending on "Pointlessness" was very, very weak. I like where "dust, destiny and" was going but then I felt let down by that word.
This certainly isn't your best work, but it sure ain't bad. I only have a few complaints:
This phrase makes me want to bang my head against something and then yell at Hallmark cards and bad songwriters.[spoiler]It also makes me go, "Harry Potter!" because of the whole...Harry is a Horcrux thing, souls and whatnot, but I really do have to stop with the bad references.[/spoiler]
I also think that the beginning isn't strong enough as a beginning, and that the end isn't satisfying as an end. Erm, yes, both very vague and rather unhelpful statements, but I like what you did with the second stanza better, although I thought the second stanza was a little jumbled...sorry, not exactly being helpful here! To summarize: I like the second stanza, but clean it up. Right.
-Colleen